Articles

Me Magazine, May/June 2008
"Our Sexual Selves, The Truth About Sex and Intimacy at Midlife"
 By Pamela D. Blair PhD

American women don't give up easily when pursuing happiness.  They marry, divorce and marry again.  Women who grew up in the feminist era demand fairness.  For many, the loss of a partner represents a respite from household drudgery and a life serving others.  Why hook up with another taker?  They were willing to get the "one" and have kids, and then stopped being interested in the male sex, in general.

Many women who are in their 50's may not feel attractive, but they've got joie de vivre.  They have bounce, vitality.  That's what attracts men.  Charm has nothing to do with looks.  These women don't take themselves too seriously, and they know how to laugh.  They don't go around moaning and groaning.

Most of our mothers lived restricted sex lives.  They looked much older at our age than we do.  Fear of expressing sexual desire aged our parents because of all the stipulations and anxieties on sexual freedoms.  The major fears women have had are due to rules set by men on what women should and can be sexually.  The truth is, many men can't keep pace sexually with women.  Even if we senior women haven't tried all the positions in the Kama Sutra, we know we are real women in many different areas of our lives, nonetheless.

We grow old, and we think we're no longer lovable.  Why?  Because our skin doesn't fit as well, or the bounce is gone.  Can an 80-year old woman have good sex?  Absolutely.  She might not be doing acrobatics, but she can enjoy sex and intimacy.  She can even have orgasms.  Health, medication and hormonal changes, including declining testosterone, have any impact on a woman's sexuality, as does her attitude about aging.  But sex can be enjoyed throughout life.

Alongside the younger ones, older women also have a choice of "love style".  More and more people are opting to live together rather than marry.  Cohabitation without the benefit of marriage is especially favored by older persons who want to protect their separate financial lives, including the right to collect Social Security benefits.

In "Women Who Love Too Much," Robin Norwood writes, "When being in love means being in pain, we are loving too much.  When most of our conversations with intimate friends are about him, his problems, his thoughts, his feelings, and nearly all our sentences begin with 'He...,' we are loving too much."  Women have discovered that putting their entire focus on their mates created an imbalance in the relationship.  Many are reassessing their long-term marriages and are challenging their mates to be more sensitive to their needs.  Women are finding their voice in relationships more than ever before.  And if their partners won't hear them and respond accordingly, they are opting out.

Sharing the experience of aging with a husband or partner may not be in the cards for every woman, and it becomes important to seek out safe human touch like hugs or therapeutic massage.  As we age, we need to approach our six lives with honesty and a willingness to learn about our changing bodies.

Bottom Line WOMEN'S HEALTH, April 2008
"Love Your Looks... No Matter What Your Age" 
By Pamela D. Blair PhD

Do you catch your reflection in a mirror and feel shock when you see an "old woman" gazing back, because inside you still feel so young?

Coping with our changing appearance requires looking inward.  Coming to rely on who we are rather than what we look like yields profound confidence, strength and self-assurance that often elude younger people.  Paradoxically, that self-knowledge creates a magnetism that also is deeply attractive.  To nourish healthy self-acceptance....

n  Savor each day.  Perhaps more than any other quality, being able to take pleasure in life makes a woman beautiful.

n  Pay attention to your senses.  Really taste the food you eat.  Feel the fresh air on your skin as you walk outdoors.  Relish the touch of a loved one.  Some attractive qualities we tend to associate with youth - eagerness, curiosity, openness - can become stronger with age if we take time to appreciate the world around us.

n  Reexamine your goals.  Does your life now reflect your true values?  Or are you investing time in relationships that are no longer fulfilling...activities that are no longer interesting...surroundings that no longer meet your needs?

Each morning, try this affirmation exercise.  Say, "I am a woman who..." 10 times, and finish the sentence with a different ending each time, specifying goals you are striving for.

Examples:  "I am a woman who is free of back pain...likes a gentle, relaxed pace to her life...has all the financial rewards she wants and needs...takes pleasure in her work."

After several weeks, notice what has shifted in your life.  Even if these dreams have not yet come true for you, the power of positive thought can help bring about profound changes in the choices you make and in the way you live.

Example:  If I am a woman who is free of back pain, I will choose not to lift that heavy box, and I will ask for help instead.  I will choose not to skip yoga class.  I will take actions that support who I want to be.

n  Reclaim beauty.  We all know that the media promotes an impossible standard of beauty.  A recent study at the University of Missouri-Columbia found that women felt worse about their bodies after viewing photos of models in ads.

We do not need to accept the media's definition of beauty.  I've stopped reading magazines that show only young, implausibly perfect models in their articles and ads.  These pictures aren't real.  My former husband was an art director for a major fashion magazine, so I often saw the "before" photos of models with wrinkles, crooked noses and large hips---all of which were airbrushed away.

I'm learning to be proud of my wrinkles.  They represent laughter, conversation, concern for others and the hard work to become a good writer, mother, therapist, gardener.  They are symbols of a beautiful, sometimes difficult, but well-lived life.

Find role models who exemplify a more enlightened beauty.  My idol is the actress Tyne Daly---a little overweight, gray-haired, strong-willed, absolutely beautiful and unapologetically not "young."  Many European actresses, such as Helen Mirren and Judi Dench, proudly look their age and remain elegant and desirable. I enjoy watching their films and reading about their personal and professional successes.  If they can pursue their dreams and not be ashamed of their aging faces, then so can I.

 n  Revisit your beauty rituals. Valuing inner beauty doesn't mean ignoring your appearance.  Decide which maintenance routines are worth keeping and which ones you can let go.  By fighting the aging process a little less, you gain time and energy that you can put into other fulfilling pursuits.  You also will become more relaxed, which is an attractive quality.

Example:  I get manicures and pedicures because they make me feel pampered and cared for.  They are a  source of energy for me, rather than an energy drain.  On the other hand, a few years ago I chose to stop dying my hair.  I have gained many hours, and my skin looks better too---the natural gray provides a softer contrast than the dyed color did.  My choice wouldn't work for everyone.  Someone who loves dying her hair should keep doing it.

Also experiment with new styles and products that acknowledge your changing body.

Helpful:  Make an appointment with an image consultant to find out which clothing styles and colors complement your skin, hair and body shape now.  Find a consultant through the Association of Image Consultants International (515-282-5500, www.aici.org).  Cost:  $75 to $350 per hour, depending on your location and the extent of services provided.  Alternative: Get a free makeover at the department store cosmetics counter.

Example:  I learned to switch to a lighter-consistency foundation and to stop using powder, which can emphasize imperfections in skin.  My image consultant also suggested V-necklines to draw attention away from my filled-out chin...and pants that drop gently from my wider hips.  I look and feel more elegant.

 n  Pace yourself to allow for physical changes.  Your strength may be slightly less, your reaction time a bit longer.  I have been doing Pilates exercises, which have increased my core muscle strength, bone density and energy as well as decreased my arthritis pain.

Increase your serenity by taking a meditative approach.  Before you start your day, sit quietly and visualize what you need to accomplish that day.  Pick no more than three major tasks, and go about them with full attention.

Once you've completed those tasks, you can add one or two more.  Notice how much calmer and more graceful you feel than when you race around trying to cross 20 items off your to-do list yet give them all short shrift.  Enjoy the alertness that comes from being fully present with one task at a time.  Your increasing serenity will radiate outward, assuredly making you feel and look more beautiful.
 

ParentLeader.net, Single Parent Resources 
"The Power of Forgiveness"
 If you're feeling stuck in your divorce recovery, you may need to forgive
your ex -- and yourself. Here's how.
 By Pamela D. Blair Ph.D., MSTh.

I never thought about forgiving myself or my spouse until I got into therapy after my second marriage ended. Naturally, anger was an important part of the healing process. My therapist told me I had to honor my anger to get the work of divorce done, to make sense out of it all, and ultimately move towards forgiveness -- to forgive not only my husband, but also the situation and, most of all, myself. By allowing room for my anger at my husband, I was able to create a place where forgiveness and understanding could be born.

Before I discovered the healing power of forgiveness, I was having trouble letting go enough to move forward -- I was still wrestling with demons in the night. There's a passage in the Bible that reads: "I will not let you go unless you bless me," (Gen. 32:27). I believe we benefit the most from divorce if we choose not to "let it go until it blesses us" -- until we can see the growth potential in it, and until we can understand our attachment to the past. Pain remains pain until our consciousness grows because of it. Then, it becomes power: the "blessing" that grows out of wrestling with the pain.

Some days, just surviving alone was an excruciatingly frightening experience. I felt victimized, traumatized, and paralyzed. In those early days, it never occurred to me that I had done anything that needed forgiving, and the thought of forgiving my husband was not even in my consciousness.

Then I began to look at the role I had played in my marriage, and realized I was responsible for giving away my power in the relationship. I began to see that my husband left in response to some of the dynamics that I had created in the marriage. For the first time, I could see the meaning of forgiveness. I forgave myself for thinking that the only way I could be loved was to abdicate my personal power, and I forgave him for not being able to love me the way I wanted to be loved.

I think the greatest awareness around this forgiveness process came when I realized my contribution to the ending of my marriage, and that divorce, for us, was inevitable.

The Meaning of Forgiveness
What does it mean to forgive? Webster defines it as "to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with; to give up all claim to punish or exact penalty." If we are to forgive, then we must first surrender the right to get even. We then cease defining the one who hurt us in terms of the hurt that was caused. Keep in mind, there's nothing in Webster's definition about the need to reach approval of the injurer's actions: you can forgive your spouse's infidelity, for instance, without approving of that infidelity.

If we forgive, then we can also reach a point where we wish our injurers well; this act of forgiveness then becomes some kind of miracle after we've made meaning of the situation.

How do we get to "meaning making"? One way to make sense of your divorce is to realize that your choice of partner may have been based on an old and unhealed need (probably from your childhood) -- not on a current or realistic expectation. During the first seven years of our life, we usually internalize that parent from whom we need the most approval; later on, this internal parent influences how we choose relationships.

According to Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. -- one of North America's leading authorities on relationships and the author of the bestselling book Getting the Love you Want -- you unconsciously chose your partner because he or she had some of the same traits as your primary caregiver(s). "We are attracted to people like our parents in order to finish the business we didn't finish with them," he says. "Unconsciously, we feel like we're in survival mode, and so when we meet someone who is similar to our parents, we go into a kind of euphoria because deep down inside we believe we're now going to get what we didn't get in childhood. That's what triggers the impulse most commonly called 'romantic love.'"

If you're willing to acknowledge that your choice of partner was "beyond your control," then it becomes easier to forgive yourself.

Letting Go
"Forgiveness is integral to letting go. We are bound to the people we cannot forgive. Holding even a small grudge takes up space in the soul and captures the energy needed for moving on. To bless the people who are our oppressors is the only way to heal the wounds they have inflicted and to break the chains that bind us to them," writes Elizabeth O'Connor in Cry Pain, Cry Hope.

Letting go means letting go of the resentment, pain, and hate that has probably been an important "driver" -- one that helps you stand up for your rights in the divorce process. However, holding on to resentment for too long will eventually consume you. How long is too long? I don't like imposing deadlines on grief work, but the short answer is that you should let go when you're tired of it -- when you feel your energy so depleted that it's hard to get out of bed in the morning. Look at how much hating the other person is draining your own internal resources and blocking your growth.

Holding on to a dead relationship is usually the result of feeling a need to put closure on unresolved issues. The desire to resolve issues in the present is a good one, but it becomes a problem if we get stuck in a determination that we must resolve the issue in a certain way. For instance, you might think: "I'm not letting go of this until my ex says he/she is sorry, or gives me all his/her money, or suffers as much as I have." Holding on can literally permeate your life, keeping you from living in the present; it can cause illness and can prevent you from experiencing new things. When you're stuck in anger, you become a slave to a kind of circular living and thinking, going around and around without attempting to move ahead. If you continue in this circular mode, you risk becoming hopeless, depressed, fatigued, and chronically negative.

You may be using your resentment to hold on to the relationship. It's common for people going through the pain of divorce to maintain their anger stance because it enables them to at least remain connected to the relationship in some way: they'd rather have a horrible relationship with their ex than no relationship at all.

The relationship has come apart, but in some way it still exists -- especially if you have children. And you may still be in love with your ex-spouse. Letting go does not mean forgetting the good times, or that you must move from love to hate. Some part of you may always love your ex, and that's okay.

Letting go of your past is not the same as avoiding it. If you ignore or repress the painful events in your past because you believe they'd be too painful to relive, you prevent yourself from moving past them.

Stuck in the Past
Another way of getting stuck is by clinging to positive feelings or events. If you've blocked everything except your happy memories of the relationship, you might be afraid to move on -- afraid that nothing will compare to the past. Recognizing and accepting this fear as normal is the first step to creating a world full of new experiences. You also need to allow plenty of room for the grieving process before you can trust there's a new world full of opportunity waiting for you.

Getting free from the hold the past has on you doesn't mean you have to forget the good times (or the bad). Remembering can serve some very important purposes. Remembering can occupy your mind with pleasant thoughts for a much needed "vacation from pain," and most important, it can generate learning that will serve you in the future.

One key to letting go of past hurt is to focus on meeting your own needs in the present. Keep reminding yourself that forgiveness is a process, and it might be a longer one than you'd like. Have you forgiven yourself? Most of us in the process of divorce or its aftermath find it more difficult to forgive ourselves than to forgive our partners.

Being able to let go of negative feelings towards others is highly dependent on your ability to let go of negative feelings towards yourself. When you've developed the ability to let go of your own past mistakes and to acknowledge your humanness, it's almost magical how effortless it becomes to let go of the mistakes of others.

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me* Magazine, May, 2007  "Expressing Your Sexual Self"
by Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D.

You know what’s upsetting? Those messages from the media and society at large that an older women shouldn’t be too sexy or too vigorous or too interested in life, that it’s not ladylike. Part of our problem is that many of us still see ourselves the way we saw our grandmothers — sexless and frail. We need to fight that societal stereotyping. Sex is not just for the young. Men and women can have active, fulfilling sex lives into their nineties. In fact, some women become more orgasmic in their later years.

We baby boomer women came of age believing we had a right to sexual pleasure, and that belief is not about to evaporate at age 65 or 75. Even so, some of us are just as happy without sex. Close ties with friends and family are as important to quality of life as sex is for some women. Of course, getting older does bring certain physical changes that can cause problems, but fortunately those problems can usually be treated.

There’s a difference between being sexy and having sex—one is an attitude and the other is a physical act. The image of the older woman as sexless needs some rethinking. I know plenty of “sexy” older women. Perhaps you’re one of them. While sags and bulges don’t necessarily symbolize sex as well as firm young skin does, there are more intrinsic qualities that create the sexual chemistry that attracts us to each other. Sex is not just as it is portrayed in the movies—sweaty and crazy. It is a lot more than that and it’s defined by our stage in life. It’s an expression of our connection to our partner and connection to ourselves. If you choose to and you’re interested, you can be sexual until you die.

The good news is that sex does change as we age. For instance, around 50, men tend to become more emotional about lovemaking, and they start seeking more closeness and intimacy. Women, on the other hand, become more independent and assertive. Even so, some women don’t understand that their partners will need more foreplay and a little more understanding during sex. On the other hand, you may resent having to give more at this point in your life. If you’ve been harboring resentment over issues you haven’t confronted as a couple, you may not be willing to give more.

Did you know that many men have the same strong feelings about aging as women do —the fears, the anxiety—and they’re just as self-conscious about their pot bellies as you may be about the fat on your thighs? There are some steps you can take to feel good about yourself if you’re just beginning a sexual relationship. Until you feel secure with the man you’re sexually involved with, you can hide your sagging arms with sleeves. You don’t have to wear a short nightgown if your knees are knobby. After a while, when you’re feeling confident in the relationship and feeling better about your older body, strut around the bedroom nude if you want to with your head held high. Self-acceptance is sexy. Also, people who work out feel better about their bodies, plus working out releases brain chemicals that make you feel energetic and happy.

Life circumstances can get in the way of a fulfilling sex life. At this age you may find yourself in either an empty nest or an overpopulated one where an older child has returned home, or in-laws and elderly parents are living with you.

After 50, looks are less important than intelligence, a sense of humor, and a sense of style. Sex in a committed relationship is important—but more important for men than for women. Over age 50, the quality of sex depends much more on the overall quality of a relationship than it does for young couples.

Frequent sex may help you live longer. Sex burns calories, works muscles, and boosts the body’s immune system. Sex can even relieve pain by releasing endorphins and producing cortisone. Vaginal lubrication is less of a problem for women over 60 who regularly have sex or masturbate.

A study of 18- to 101-year olds showed that a good sex life can actually make you look younger as well as feel younger. The persons who reported having the best sex lives looked four to seven years younger than their real age. Good sex also helps both physical and mental health by reducing stress, providing relaxation, and enhancing contentment.

Can sex get any better with age? Absolutely. There’s more physical pleasure, more free time, no concern about pregnancy, no children at home (hopefully). People accept their bodies, they experiment, they understand their desires—sex becomes more than a mad, furious rush to perform the act. For couples who understand it, the slowing of sexual response can be an advantage. They tend to get more in sync. Bad sex won’t become good sex simply because you’re older. But it can be great sex if you communicate with your partner, and if you learn that intimacy means there are no questions you should ever be afraid to ask.

Not everyone over 50 chooses to or can have sex. Perhaps you have a long history of lack of interest in or fear of sexual intercourse; or the desire is there but there’s no opportunity to meet a potential sexual partner. No matter what the cause, countless older couples are living happy, contented lives without sex. As we age, we need access to a larger physical repertoire such as touching, caressing, kissing and other expressions of physical affection. As our bodies change, so too do the ways that help us feel good.

The hormonal shifts of menopause can have an effect on one’s sex life. Like a lot of women, when menopause arrived, my interest in sex left but after a while my desire came back. A substantial body of research has exploded decades of mythology about female sexuality. Libido requires a good supply of testosterone in women as well as in men, and there is a testosterone cream that women can use to help with libido. Don’t be afraid to discuss issues in your sex life with your doctor or gynecologist. In fact, you may have to initiate the discussion; your doctor may not bring up this touchy subject, because many medical professionals still don’t think of older people as sexual beings.

AIDS cases are rising more than twice as fast among older persons as young adults. You undoubtedly realize that anyone who has unprotected sex is taking a risk. But did you know that more than 13 percent of Americans who have AIDS are over age 50? Divorcees and widows who are reentering the dating scene after a long hiatus may be especially at risk.

In our older years, sexual desire doesn’t just happen. Most women have to be physically stimulated in order to feel desire for their partner. Ironically, this can mean that women who think they need to be in the mood to have sex might in fact need to have sex to get in the mood. To rekindle desire treat sex as play and exhibit your sensual personality.  Use hugs, kisses, and gentle caresses to show tenderness. Emotional rewards can be as fulfilling as physical ones. Be creative. Planting a garden, baking bread, building a piece of furniture—or any creative activity — can rev up your sex drive.

Women who have enjoyed sex in the past will likely continue to do so. Single women have told me that when they want sex, they have it with themselves. Women need to know and be comfortable with the fact that they can take care of their sexual needs. Even if you don’t have a man in your life, you are still a sexual being.

From Hot Flashes to Having a Hot Time
by Emily Kratzer, The Journal News, May 11, 2007

Women shouldn't let life cool off after the hot flashes cease, says Hawthorne author Pamela D. Blair.

The life coach and psychotherapist got to thinking about what her "next 50 years" would be like after reading a science story about how to live to be 120.

"I started to freak out - what's my passport picture going to look like, where will I live - and other implications of living that long," she says, explaining the title of her book: "The Next Fifty Years: A Guide for Women at Midlife and Beyond" (Hampton Roads Publishing Company, $19.95).  It's available through her web site, www.pamblair.com and other online booksellers.

Blair got some insight into the challenges of aging in 1998, when she suffered a brain injury and needed assistance in daily living.  She also had to rebuild her memory processes.

"I was catapulted from age 49 to age 89 overnight," Blair says.  "I got a glimpse of what it would be like to be an older woman.  My world became smaller, more intense.  I had to ask for help.  I was a workaholic, but had to give up certain aspects of my practice and had to focus on what was important.  The wonderful lesson is that you have to learn repacing, then you have more to give."

She is giving through the interactive book, which offers philosophy, essays and journal space for women to chart their feelings, make plans and leave a record for the next generation.

Christopher Plummer of Suffern is a member of that next generation who is carrying on the legacy of his grandmother, Bernice F. Plummer.  She, who died last year at age 94, had spent her last 10 years as the "constant mascot" of the Rockland Shakespeare Company at Rockland Community College.  The company celebrated her life at its anniversary performance earlier this month and plans to start a scholarship in her honor.

"Nanny must have played dozens of Shakespeare's greatest roles over the years, simply reading them aloud with me in our kitchen and helping me memorize my dialogue," he says.  "Nanny knew what was funny and how to enjoy life."

That is the key to living the next 50 years with gusto - using humor and knowing how to enjoy life.

Mollie Canter, 98, a resident of the Esplanade senior residence in Palisades, is known for her cheerful disposition - and how she shares it with others.

For example, there's Hector.  Canter has been living with him for about a year, though he's a daily reminder of her infirmity.  Hector is how she refers to her prosthetic left leg.

"Without a sense of humor, you don't exist, honey," she says.

"There are days when I am blue, but how can you be depressed when you can tell the chef how awful the food is?" she joked in the dining room as a staffer strolled past with a food tray.

After the amputation, she lost her sense of balance and some strength in her hands.  She's had to depend on others to shower and dress her.  Canter said card games, reading, activities and outings relieve the frustration.

"I've been blessed living here," she says, reciting the good things in her life, pointing with pride to her family photos and discussing the vivid paintings by her late husband Frank that decorate her room. "Even as a child, if it was raining, I'd say, 'the sun will come out.'"

A former buyer for Macy's in Manhattan, Canter also has a positive attitude "because I have a lot of young people in my family.  The family schleps me along," taking her into New York City or to family celebrations in New Jersey.  "You have to look at new things" to keep interested, she believes.

As Blair notes, "You don't come back (to health) if you have a negative attitude or judge yourself too harshly, because you really have to build a new framework."

Susan Archambault of Bronxville agrees.  As the director of rehabilitation services and a physical therapist at the Sarah Neuman Center for Health Care and Rehabilitation in Mamaroneck, she sees the difference a good outlook makes.

"A positive attitude helps them see a goal," she says.  "They are more future-oriented than in the moment of their suffering or pain.  Someone with an optimistic outlook will see that things can and will improve, so they often do."
 

"There are people who are fearful of the future and feel that a woman of a certain age has limited options for recovery," Archambault says, recalling a 108-year-old patent who stayed at the center while recovering from surgery.  "She was able to manage her recovery and left here able to climb a flight of stairs....Her attitude lit a spark for everyone."

Then there was the 98-year-old client who had asked for a hip replacement. "The doctor said, 'Well, at your age that is a big operation' but she said, 'It's my hip and if I have five or 10 years more, I want them to be good years.'  She lit up the room - she was a ball of fire.  After she went home, she came back with a cake for us.

It's all in how you view things.  we meet a lot of truly wonderful, inspiring people in our line of work, Archambault says.

Red Hat Society Magazine May/June 2006

Self-Image After 50
by Pamela D. Blair
The Next Fifty Years -- A Guide for Women at Midlife and Beyond

While recently preparing for my book signing at a Northern Virginia Borders, I went through the usual nervous inner discussion while checking out my appearance.  "What will you wear?"  I don't know.  "Do successful authors look overweight?" I'm not sure.  "Will they buy more copies of the book if you look your age?"  Maybe.  "Should you wear all black to look slimmer?"  This turmoil-filled inner dialogue finally ended with, "Why not be yourself?  What's wrong with how you look?!  You'll simply be the best gray-haired, pot-bellied, voluptuous-bottomed 'you' you can be signing books at Borders!"

I wish I could report that I arrived at these later years with complete grace and dignity.  But, like many women over 50, I do a terrible injustice to myself every time I prepare for a public appearance - whether at the local library or on national television.  I make unkind age-related judgments about myself that are detrimental to my self-esteem.  Quite frankly ladies, sometimes my self-image stinks!

Self-image is the internal image we create of ourselves, and a poor one is usually based on the mistaken notion that we should look like the sweet, oh-so-put-together beauties we see on the TV screen and on the pages of magazines.  We need to stop comparing ourselves to those "perfect" women.  Personally, I've decided that actress Tyne Daly of "Judging Amy" is my role model.  She's gray, she's round, and she's wonderful.

At a certain point in our lives, we find ourselves engaged in fighting every ounce of weight gain or every hint of a wrinkle, and we are clearly making ourselves miserable in the process.  Until, finally, we (some of us, at least) "give up" and forget about the whole thing.  That's when we can become happy again.  Even sagging faces look beautiful when adorned with a smile.

Should we just nurture and support our inner selves and forget about the outer?  Of course not - but we are much more than the image we project.

How different would your life be if you woke up one day and decided to love how you look - the color of your eyes, the color of your hair, as well as the radiance of your heart?  Suppose your self-image were based on how wonderfully you laugh, how honestly you cry.  Suppose you decided to love your mistakes, in addition to all the good you've done for others.

Show me inner beauty and I'll show you a woman who has rid herself of the superfluous, both inside and out - kept what she needs, refused the rest, and regretted nothing.  Inner beauty has an insistent glow.  Several coats of black mascara won't interfere with your inner life, though, I promise.  We make a mistake if we see inner beauty and outer beauty as somehow antithetical, demanding that inner loveliness stand on its own without even moisturizer or a bit of blush.  Self-nurturance doesn't negate self-worth, but rather bolsters it.  Even the most evolved among us still has to face the day.

As an author I will continue to make public appearances.  I've decided to go out into the world, wrinkles, gray hair and all.  Wrinkles are the stripes that represent my years of service.  Each one represents a laugh, a sorrow, a ray of sunshine, or concern for another.  Best of all, my gray hair gets me a seat on the bus and a discount at the movies!

  Last Updated 05/31/2008