I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye:
Surviving, Coping & Healing
After the Sudden Death of a Loved One
by Brook Noel & Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D.,
Champion Press, Ltd. 2000

Chapter 14
The Loss of a Partner
 

"Trying to put my pain behind brought me to many dead ends...Sometimes I wondered if I was losing my mind. The old rules did not apply anymore. I felt as if I had been dropped by parachute into a different country where I had no map and everyone spoke a foreign language."
Cathleen I. Curry, When Your Spouse Dies

The loss of a partner or spouse is devastating on many fronts. Our partner is often our confidant and best friend. We have both our emotional and physical highs and lows with this partner -- day in and day out. To have this "half" taken away leaves us feeling incomplete, confused and shortchanged.

This is often intensified by the length of time we have spent with our partner. If we have been with our partner for many years, we may find that our partner completes our thoughts and is a compliment to our actions. We are left feeling as if we have lost half of our self in addition to our partner.

Added stressors arise at the life changes that often accompany the loss of a partner. We may have a significant financial change to endure, we may need to move, we may need to comfort our children and have few people to comfort us.

Loss of Identity
Our partner makes up a significant portion of our identity. Through and with our partner, we interpret the world, daily events and the ups and downs of life. When we lose this partner unexpectedly, we lose many of the foundations of our identity. We are left to rebuild at a time when we are both emotionally and physically depleted. This rebuilding process will take time. Our friends and children may encourage us to move forward before we are ready. This is only to be expected, since those who care for us hate to see us in pain. Many people feel that by "getting back into life" our pain will be alleviated. These are good intentions, but this route does not work in reality.

As we grieve, we will need to rebuild our foundation one brick at a time. In his book Loss, John Bowlby writes, "Because it is necessary to discard old patterns of thinking, feeling and acting before new ones can be fashioned, it is almost inevitable that a bereaved person should at times despair that anything can be salvaged and, as a result, fall into depression and apathy. Nevertheless, if all goes well, this phase may soon begin to alternate with a phase during which the bereaved starts to examine the new situation and to consider ways of meeting it. This redefinition of self and situation is as painful as it is crucial, if only because it means relinquishing all hope that the lost person can be recovered and the old situation re-established. Yet until redefinition is achieved no plans for the future can be made." At first, nothing will feel comfortable. Each day will bring new realizations and troubles. But in time, you'll find yourself engaging in a memory or hobby or thought that you enjoy. It may be only a minute of "peace," but it's peace nonetheless. This becomes your first brick. Seek out these sources of peace and record them in a journal. Notice what you like and what you don't. Form new opinions. Pursue a new interest. You may not be able to move quickly on these things. You may want to take a "getaway," but not have the emotional energy. That's fine. Order a few travel brochures on the Internet and page through them. A step is a step -- no matter how small.

In the exercises chapter, you'll find a "Redefining Ourselves" exercise that can help you in this process.

Circles of Friends
While living a part of a couple, there is a tendency to make friends as a couple. Many widows experience a troubling problem after the death of a partner. Frequently, many friends that the couple has known are lost, when the couple dissolves into a single person. There are many reasons for this. One is that it is awkward to relate with other couples as a single person -- especially when these other couples knew you as part of a duo.

Memories also play a large part in the loss of friendships. When we are with other couples we have shared with, we remember times passed. The other couples may be uncomfortable discussing or remembering these events. As we explored earlier, we are not a society equipped to deal with loss. It's unfortunate that this means one loss will often lead to other losses, due to others' resultant discomfort with death.

The loss of a partner is often a unique loss. It is rare that others in our immediate circle have likewise experienced the sudden death of a partner. Although our friends experience the loss with us, they do not have the firsthand knowledge of what it is like to live through this kind of death. We resurface, torn and viewing the world through different eyes. We return to these friendships a different person. It is this difference in viewpoint that accounts for many dissolving friendships.

Another reason that friendships fade, is that our loss reminds others that tragic loss can happen to anyone, to people they know -- and maybe even to themselves. These explanations offer little comfort or justification for the actions of friends. However, there are a few things to remember. First, don't assume friendships won't work out. Give each friendship a chance. Secondly, it is unfortunate that you will incur other losses besides the death of your partner, but know this leaves room for growth. When you are ready, focus on making new friends. The AARP publishes a great brochure fore those who have been out of the friend-making loop for a while. See our resources section for ordering information. Lastly, do seek out a support group of people in like circumstances. Create a group of close contacts who are at different points on the grief path. Use them as your mentors. Share your concerns. It may be that you are too depleted to actually attend an in-person support group. If this is the case, see our Internet resources in Part Three. There are many groups for widows and widowers that offer online chat.

Lingering Memories and Images
Many widows and widowers report seeing images of their loved one and feeling their presence. You may have dreams where your partner is still living. According to studies, about one-third to one-half of widows and widowers have these experiences. Realize the images are normal and needn't disturb you. You may feel your partner's presence with you constantly, like that of a guardian angel.

Many widows and widowers find it helpful to internalize an image of the deceased. In a 1974 report of Boston Widows by I. O. Glick, he found that "Often the widow's progress toward recovery was facilitated by inner conversations with her husband's presence." When we continue to talk and communicate with our loved one, we open ourselves to their presence -- whether real or imaginary is irrelevant -- but we open ourselves to their guidance. Learning to talk, and listen, to our loved one can be immensely comforting as we progress through our grief work.